I've struggled with sharing my story publicly. But I keep coming back to how I searched google for hours looking for stories of hope, and how there were so few. I found so many stories of loss, of hope lost. These stories were important and had a right to be told, but I wanted to find the good-endings. The few stories I found with a happy ending I re-read multiple times, and so I want to add my story, my story with a happy ending.
I'll start off by saying when I found out we were pregnant with our 4th child we were beyond excited. We told our other 3 kids early, and I soon began receiving hand-drawn pictures of myself with a little baby in my belly from my older two. I found a clearance-carseat online and ordered it, proud of myself for finding a good deal - even if it was a little early...
I had my routine 12 week doctor appointment , nothing was out of the ordinary. I heard the baby heartbeat, 148 bpm. " Nice and strong", said the doctor with a smile. " Would you like to record the heartbeat on your phone?". I said , first I need to figure out how to do that, there's always next time.
13weeks & 5 days pregnant. My husband was getting ready to go out the door to go to a business meeting. I said goodbye in a rush, thinking about all the things I needed to do that day. We were busy with the harvest -season and I wanted to get a start on making suppers ready on time. Be organized for once, which I usually am not that great at being. I bent over to grab a pan out the cupboard and I felt a warm gush, I though to myself dumbly did I just pee myself?! And I looked down at the floor to see a puddle of blood. My ever-present 2 year old was standing right beside me, " mommy you have an owie?" I tried to quickly walk to the bathroom, leaving behind a trail of blood. I then started to feel contractions, I thought to myself I'm having a miscarriage, I thought I was " safe''...I was past 3 months. I called the clinic, not because I thought they could prevent it but because I am Rh- (which means I needed a needle to prevent future pregnancy loss). I went to the walk-in, in retrospect I should've gone straight to the ER with the blood volume I was loosing, but I wasn't really thinking clearly.
I remember at the walk-in feeling embarrassed because I had pooled blood all over the seat I was waiting on, soaking through my clothes.
The doctor I saw at the walk-in could not find a heartbeat, she said, you should go home to pass the baby you will know it when you see it. The doctor informed me that I should be wearing a pad if I was bleeding, when I told her that I already was she sent me off to the ER.
At the ER I was seen immediately. I was grateful for that, because walking around with blood soaked clothing is awkward, and at that point I was having a hard time acting like I could handle what was happening.
At the ER I was informed I was likely having a miscarriage, miscarriages happen to as many as 1 in 4 people and it was not my fault. The doctor couldn't find a heartbeat, and got a ultrasound machine. By that time I had turned away from the screen , I didn't want to see my dead baby. He said, ' turn around and look, there's your baby. Your baby is alive for now, look baby is kicking around.' I wanted to stay there, and watch baby move for hours. The doctor told me I had a 50/50 chance of miscarriage ' Threatened miscarriage was the official term. I was told to go home and see what happens, wait it out.
My own doctor phoned me the next day, instructed me to get blood tests, one every two days for six days in a row. At the end of that week on a friday, I received the worst phone call I've ever had. "I am sorry but your results are not good, this little one has not made it. The good thing is it sounds like the worst has passed. We can offer you a D&C , or if you prefer I can phone in a pill to the pharmacy that will help pass things along faster". I asked if the doctor could be wrong, is there a possibility? I was told that no, she was not wrong and this baby could not possibly make it with the blood results I had. I wanted to wait, to see if things would happen naturally, and was told that would take a very long time, and to go the ER over the weekend if I started to feel sick. I asked if I could get a ultrasound to see it for myself, it didn't feel real. I was told that was not necessary.
That evening I told our kids that their baby brother/or sister had gone to Heaven to be with Jesus. We said it's okay, its better for the baby. My seven year old said he thought it would be better if the baby was with us. I tried to explain that Jesus would take good care of the baby. My oldest said he thought that his teachers mom (who had passed on earlier that year) would take good care of the baby to. What struck me as amazing was that he could accept what I was saying, have such faith that yes Jesus would take care of his little brother/or sister in Heaven. While here I was, the parent explaining how happy the baby would be, was actually having such a hard time accepting it.
Saturday- the day after.
I was up all night, feeling awful. I felt hot/cold shaky. My husband convinced me we should go the ER, to make sure that I wasn't getting sick from the miscarriage. So my little sister that had been sleeping over and my sister-in law and brother came to watch the kids at home. On the way to the hospital, I suddenly felt like we should go to the ER that was closer to home, the one did not normally go to. To this day, I feel this came from God. The ER doctor here was very kind. He came in with a smile, and said first off we will try find a heart-beat to make sure. I said there's no point, my own doctor already informed me there's no possibility this baby could be alive, I am very likely here for an emergency D&C. He said, ' well we will try anyway". I wanted to throw up. I didn't want to hear the empty static when only a few weeks before I had heard a healthy&strong 148 beats per minute. When he got the Doppler out, I closed my eyes I just couldn't handle it anymore. Except for a steady thump-thump filled the room.
Monday - we were phoned with a ultrasound appointment. However the day before I passed some clots and was scared all over again. At the ultrasound appointment the technician came to get me, I told her my husband was with and if she could call him later on to see the baby if there was still a baby in me . She said
I had a phone call the next day,
I enjoy doing my own things, prefer not to need/have help if I can do it myself. But bed-rest is not a do-it-yourself job. And so I experienced that love of Jesus-Christ our Lord through the communion of saints.
My family came together, and every day of the week was filled with one person coming. One person to come and clean my messy home. Who came and made my family supper. One person would would do all the things I normally would do, while I laid down. Church ladies organised suppers to be dropped off at my house during the week. Randomly people would send home baking for my family. Some people would come and drop off books for me to read. All the while I slept in bed & slept on the couch. I was still bleeding and blood loss makes you very tired. My sister drove me to my doctor appointments so I could lay down the passenger seat.
My grade-1er son came home with pictures of me laying on a couch. " what is mom doing? mom is laying". written in his learning-how-write letters. My 5 year old began drawing pictures of him, and his siblings along with his dad out and about along with a separate small box in the corner with mom laying on the couch. Although cute in a way, it broke my heart. These are my kids, MINE I wanted to do everything for them that I had always done. That I had taken for granted. There had been some days before my SCH that I had been exhausted at the end of the day and honestly looking forward to bed-time. I thought to myself how blessed I had been, I could take the time to do regular day to day things with them and most of the time I didn't think twice about it. I had,had the privilege of going to the zoo, going for walks, baking cookies with my 2 year old licking the spoon. Every day I could do all these things with them and I had not been nearly grateful enough for the privilege it had been.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
22 weeks
Ultrasound-check up time. We went for another ultrasound, this technician was very kind. She had a smile on her face, and by now I was beginning to regularly feel kicks so I wasn't so terrified that she would tell me my baby was dead. She asked if I knew why I was bleeding, yes i did i had a SCH. She said she could still see it right there on the screen. The only abnormal finding with the baby was that he was measuring 2 weeks ahead of my own due date. I found this to be amazing, a testament of the miracle that was taking place. With a partial placental abruption you have the risk of intra-uterine growth restriction. Which basically means that baby doesn't receive enough nutrients to grow properly. However our little boy was actually measuring ahead in size. God is good, not only had He kept my little boy alive, he was actually growing ahead of schedule. Amazing.
I searched for the chances of survival with each week that we finished, 24 weeks is viability in Canada. If you go into preterm labour at 24 weeks doctors will do their utmost to stop labour. Did you know that if you deliver after 24 weeks you are required to choose either cremation or a funeral for your preterm baby ? In Canada you are allowed abortion up to 9months, because your baby is not actually recognized as a human being. But if your baby is born much to soon to live,yet older then 24 weeks you need a funeral. This does not make sense to me. How can we recognize that a baby deserves respect in death when the child was wanted, yet as an unwanted baby this baby is not recognized as a human when we want to get rid of him or her?
With each passing week I began to feel more hope that we would actually take home a baby at the end of my pregnancy. I re-ordered a car seat online (the same car seat i had found on clearance earlier on but had cancelled because I couldn't handle the thought of receiving a baby car seat in the mail with no baby to put in it.)
At 34 weeks my doctor said she was surprised I was still pregnant. I honestly was no longer surprised. God had come to my aid. He chose to let my baby live . I do not understand why some babies are called home so early. What I've come to realize is that I will not understand- and that is okay. It's okay but I will struggle with being okay with accepting. It's not my job to understand what God is doing, its my job to accept, it's also for us to hold the hand of the parent that has to walk down that lonely road. I need to be there for others, as they were there for me. Miscarriage is not an easy subject to talk about, it's difficult,painful and heartbreaking. There is no understanding of why it happens. For me , when the doctors said it is not your fault, it did not make me feel better. Rather there was the insane guilt of 'what if?'. What if I hadn't picked up that heavy container. What if I had not kept myself busy gardening so long during the hot day. What if ... and so the list could go on. The struggle with pregnancy-loss is real, that I have also learned. It is just not openly talked about . The 1 in 4 statistic for miscarriage is true, if you know someone struggling with miscarriage be there for them. Early pregnancy loss is for the most part not treated as a death of a child in the majority of the medical community. We as parents, especially us ladies as Sisters in Christ need to be there for one other during those emotional heartbreaking times. It does not have to be a visit, it could just be a note saying that you are thinking of them. I realize it's easier said then done, to put yourself out there. It involves being vulnerable in a area of your life where you can be hurt the most.
39weeks4days, we were blessed with a healthy baby boy Mason Noah (Meaning God comforts) He was born at 10lbs 2onz. At birth the doctor could still see the SCH in his placenta. He is my living miracle. Sometimes when I look at him I feel overwhelmed with the miracle of life that he is, miracles still happen. And I have living proof.
At a restaurant celebrating with my little family my 5 year old told the waiter that his baby brother had gone to Heaven and come back{with a huge smile on his face}
I'll start off by saying when I found out we were pregnant with our 4th child we were beyond excited. We told our other 3 kids early, and I soon began receiving hand-drawn pictures of myself with a little baby in my belly from my older two. I found a clearance-carseat online and ordered it, proud of myself for finding a good deal - even if it was a little early...
I had my routine 12 week doctor appointment , nothing was out of the ordinary. I heard the baby heartbeat, 148 bpm. " Nice and strong", said the doctor with a smile. " Would you like to record the heartbeat on your phone?". I said , first I need to figure out how to do that, there's always next time.
13weeks & 5 days pregnant. My husband was getting ready to go out the door to go to a business meeting. I said goodbye in a rush, thinking about all the things I needed to do that day. We were busy with the harvest -season and I wanted to get a start on making suppers ready on time. Be organized for once, which I usually am not that great at being. I bent over to grab a pan out the cupboard and I felt a warm gush, I though to myself dumbly did I just pee myself?! And I looked down at the floor to see a puddle of blood. My ever-present 2 year old was standing right beside me, " mommy you have an owie?" I tried to quickly walk to the bathroom, leaving behind a trail of blood. I then started to feel contractions, I thought to myself I'm having a miscarriage, I thought I was " safe''...I was past 3 months. I called the clinic, not because I thought they could prevent it but because I am Rh- (which means I needed a needle to prevent future pregnancy loss). I went to the walk-in, in retrospect I should've gone straight to the ER with the blood volume I was loosing, but I wasn't really thinking clearly.
I remember at the walk-in feeling embarrassed because I had pooled blood all over the seat I was waiting on, soaking through my clothes.
The doctor I saw at the walk-in could not find a heartbeat, she said, you should go home to pass the baby you will know it when you see it. The doctor informed me that I should be wearing a pad if I was bleeding, when I told her that I already was she sent me off to the ER.
At the ER I was seen immediately. I was grateful for that, because walking around with blood soaked clothing is awkward, and at that point I was having a hard time acting like I could handle what was happening.
At the ER I was informed I was likely having a miscarriage, miscarriages happen to as many as 1 in 4 people and it was not my fault. The doctor couldn't find a heartbeat, and got a ultrasound machine. By that time I had turned away from the screen , I didn't want to see my dead baby. He said, ' turn around and look, there's your baby. Your baby is alive for now, look baby is kicking around.' I wanted to stay there, and watch baby move for hours. The doctor told me I had a 50/50 chance of miscarriage ' Threatened miscarriage was the official term. I was told to go home and see what happens, wait it out.
My own doctor phoned me the next day, instructed me to get blood tests, one every two days for six days in a row. At the end of that week on a friday, I received the worst phone call I've ever had. "I am sorry but your results are not good, this little one has not made it. The good thing is it sounds like the worst has passed. We can offer you a D&C , or if you prefer I can phone in a pill to the pharmacy that will help pass things along faster". I asked if the doctor could be wrong, is there a possibility? I was told that no, she was not wrong and this baby could not possibly make it with the blood results I had. I wanted to wait, to see if things would happen naturally, and was told that would take a very long time, and to go the ER over the weekend if I started to feel sick. I asked if I could get a ultrasound to see it for myself, it didn't feel real. I was told that was not necessary.
That evening I told our kids that their baby brother/or sister had gone to Heaven to be with Jesus. We said it's okay, its better for the baby. My seven year old said he thought it would be better if the baby was with us. I tried to explain that Jesus would take good care of the baby. My oldest said he thought that his teachers mom (who had passed on earlier that year) would take good care of the baby to. What struck me as amazing was that he could accept what I was saying, have such faith that yes Jesus would take care of his little brother/or sister in Heaven. While here I was, the parent explaining how happy the baby would be, was actually having such a hard time accepting it.
Saturday- the day after.
I was up all night, feeling awful. I felt hot/cold shaky. My husband convinced me we should go the ER, to make sure that I wasn't getting sick from the miscarriage. So my little sister that had been sleeping over and my sister-in law and brother came to watch the kids at home. On the way to the hospital, I suddenly felt like we should go to the ER that was closer to home, the one did not normally go to. To this day, I feel this came from God. The ER doctor here was very kind. He came in with a smile, and said first off we will try find a heart-beat to make sure. I said there's no point, my own doctor already informed me there's no possibility this baby could be alive, I am very likely here for an emergency D&C. He said, ' well we will try anyway". I wanted to throw up. I didn't want to hear the empty static when only a few weeks before I had heard a healthy&strong 148 beats per minute. When he got the Doppler out, I closed my eyes I just couldn't handle it anymore. Except for a steady thump-thump filled the room.
"Well babys heartbeat is 150 beats per minute, sounds pretty good, now we need to find out where all the bleeding is coming from".I looked at my husband in shock, " that's not possible my doctor said the baby is dead, its probably my own heartbeat" is what I said. Yes I argued with a certified ER doctor that he was wrong. He laughed, ' your own heartbeat is about half that fast'. I shook my head, well it can't be we were told to get a d&c. He felt my wrist and took my own heartbeat, nope its definitely the baby yours is much slower. He took out his Doppler and rechecked, hear that, that's your baby. He said he would order a emergency ultrasound for the next business day to figure out what the problem could be. Always ask for an ultrasound, do not get a D&C without seeing for yourself that your baby is not alive anymore. Doctors are only human, they can make mistakes.
Monday - we were phoned with a ultrasound appointment. However the day before I passed some clots and was scared all over again. At the ultrasound appointment the technician came to get me, I told her my husband was with and if she could call him later on to see the baby if there was still a baby in me . She said
Depending on what we find...... after a few minutes I asked, is there anything in there still? She said yes... but I could tell from the tone of her voice and not all was well. She called my husband later on , and showed him baby, even printed off a picture for us to keep. But she couldn't tell us anything more, it had to come from the doctor.
I had a phone call the next day,
you have a moderate sized Sub-chorionic Hemorrhage & partial placental abruption. Some pregnancies go on to deliver around 34-36 weeks, with bed-rest. It's a wait&see game, if you experience more major blood loss&clots come back in and we will check for a heartbeat. We'll see what happens with follow-up ultrasounds.As soon as I got off the phone I googled what it was. Google is not your friend. A sub-chorionic hemorrhage (SCH) puts you at risk for complete placental abruption at any point in your pregnancy. Your risk for miscarriage goes up. Doctors do not know what causes a SCH to happen, there is not a way to 'cure' one. The only thing you can do is try bedrest,but it's not guaranteed to help you. I found many blogs, many stories of early/late pregnancy loss caused by Sub-chorionic hemorrhage. Many parents, full of sadness had posted pictures of their to-small-to-live babies that had entered this world much to soon. I searched and googled some more, hoping to find some way that had helped make pregnancy last long enough. What I found was nothing. Bedrest was what I could humanly try , but ultimately it was up to God. I could not force my body to heal, I could not force my baby to stay in. I could not force my body to stop bleeding, to stop contracting. What I could do was trust in God, and this is what I found to be so hard. Feeling helpless, feeling so small and realising that no matter what the outcome was I would have to trust that God knows what He is doing. Even if that meant that my baby would not live in this world, with me.
I enjoy doing my own things, prefer not to need/have help if I can do it myself. But bed-rest is not a do-it-yourself job. And so I experienced that love of Jesus-Christ our Lord through the communion of saints.
My family came together, and every day of the week was filled with one person coming. One person to come and clean my messy home. Who came and made my family supper. One person would would do all the things I normally would do, while I laid down. Church ladies organised suppers to be dropped off at my house during the week. Randomly people would send home baking for my family. Some people would come and drop off books for me to read. All the while I slept in bed & slept on the couch. I was still bleeding and blood loss makes you very tired. My sister drove me to my doctor appointments so I could lay down the passenger seat.
My grade-1er son came home with pictures of me laying on a couch. " what is mom doing? mom is laying". written in his learning-how-write letters. My 5 year old began drawing pictures of him, and his siblings along with his dad out and about along with a separate small box in the corner with mom laying on the couch. Although cute in a way, it broke my heart. These are my kids, MINE I wanted to do everything for them that I had always done. That I had taken for granted. There had been some days before my SCH that I had been exhausted at the end of the day and honestly looking forward to bed-time. I thought to myself how blessed I had been, I could take the time to do regular day to day things with them and most of the time I didn't think twice about it. I had,had the privilege of going to the zoo, going for walks, baking cookies with my 2 year old licking the spoon. Every day I could do all these things with them and I had not been nearly grateful enough for the privilege it had been.
17 weeks. I woke up to a lot of blood, and some big clots. I phoned my doctor and was told to come to walk-in to check for a heartbeat. At the walk-in I saw another doctor. I explained my diagnosis, took along my ultrasound reports. I was told once again that very likely my body was getting ready to abort. That there was nothing I could do , but that it was not my fault. The doctor got out his fetal Doppler and babys heartbeat was there, nice and strong. The doctor shook his head,
At that point I decided not to come in for bleeding&passing clots {which continued on for the next few weeks}. It was to discouraging, ultimately I would need to trust that Gods will would be done, regardless of how many ER visits I had. I remember dreading bathroom trips, not wanting to look at the clots of blood for fear that my baby had passed. Every doctor appointment was the same , the doctor not wanting to be to hopeful. Reminding me that we just didn't know what would happen - as if I didn't already know that..."we just never know what's going to happen but with clots that size... my sympathies this is going to be hard. You are very likely geting ready to abort.At 17 weeks you are not close enough to viability to do anything. I'm not sure why you are here, what do you expect me to do? Maybe if you were 24 weeks, well actually closer to 28 would be better..."
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
22 weeks
Ultrasound-check up time. We went for another ultrasound, this technician was very kind. She had a smile on her face, and by now I was beginning to regularly feel kicks so I wasn't so terrified that she would tell me my baby was dead. She asked if I knew why I was bleeding, yes i did i had a SCH. She said she could still see it right there on the screen. The only abnormal finding with the baby was that he was measuring 2 weeks ahead of my own due date. I found this to be amazing, a testament of the miracle that was taking place. With a partial placental abruption you have the risk of intra-uterine growth restriction. Which basically means that baby doesn't receive enough nutrients to grow properly. However our little boy was actually measuring ahead in size. God is good, not only had He kept my little boy alive, he was actually growing ahead of schedule. Amazing.
I searched for the chances of survival with each week that we finished, 24 weeks is viability in Canada. If you go into preterm labour at 24 weeks doctors will do their utmost to stop labour. Did you know that if you deliver after 24 weeks you are required to choose either cremation or a funeral for your preterm baby ? In Canada you are allowed abortion up to 9months, because your baby is not actually recognized as a human being. But if your baby is born much to soon to live,yet older then 24 weeks you need a funeral. This does not make sense to me. How can we recognize that a baby deserves respect in death when the child was wanted, yet as an unwanted baby this baby is not recognized as a human when we want to get rid of him or her?
With each passing week I began to feel more hope that we would actually take home a baby at the end of my pregnancy. I re-ordered a car seat online (the same car seat i had found on clearance earlier on but had cancelled because I couldn't handle the thought of receiving a baby car seat in the mail with no baby to put in it.)
At 34 weeks my doctor said she was surprised I was still pregnant. I honestly was no longer surprised. God had come to my aid. He chose to let my baby live . I do not understand why some babies are called home so early. What I've come to realize is that I will not understand- and that is okay. It's okay but I will struggle with being okay with accepting. It's not my job to understand what God is doing, its my job to accept, it's also for us to hold the hand of the parent that has to walk down that lonely road. I need to be there for others, as they were there for me. Miscarriage is not an easy subject to talk about, it's difficult,painful and heartbreaking. There is no understanding of why it happens. For me , when the doctors said it is not your fault, it did not make me feel better. Rather there was the insane guilt of 'what if?'. What if I hadn't picked up that heavy container. What if I had not kept myself busy gardening so long during the hot day. What if ... and so the list could go on. The struggle with pregnancy-loss is real, that I have also learned. It is just not openly talked about . The 1 in 4 statistic for miscarriage is true, if you know someone struggling with miscarriage be there for them. Early pregnancy loss is for the most part not treated as a death of a child in the majority of the medical community. We as parents, especially us ladies as Sisters in Christ need to be there for one other during those emotional heartbreaking times. It does not have to be a visit, it could just be a note saying that you are thinking of them. I realize it's easier said then done, to put yourself out there. It involves being vulnerable in a area of your life where you can be hurt the most.
39weeks4days, we were blessed with a healthy baby boy Mason Noah (Meaning God comforts) He was born at 10lbs 2onz. At birth the doctor could still see the SCH in his placenta. He is my living miracle. Sometimes when I look at him I feel overwhelmed with the miracle of life that he is, miracles still happen. And I have living proof.
Psalm 139:13-14
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well."
God is good, and all the time God is good.
